The 7th habit of a highly miserable person is MANIPULATION. This is a subtle habit that might be difficult to pinpoint in others, even yourself. Merriam-Webster’s on-line dictionary defines manipulation as: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage, to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose.

Manipulation is a habit of a miserable person when the person utilizes manipulation as a sole means in interacting with others. They may feel that they are not miserable and they will feel happy from time to time over relationships. However there is much anxiety tied to these relationships, and the manipulation that is utilized limits the depth of a relationship. For those that do not want, or are fearful of deep relationships, manipulation is a very useful tool for them. They appear to have good relationships, but in the long run, there is little to no relationship existing. Others around the manipulator may feel that they have a strong or decent relationship with the manipulator, but truth be told they are being used.

The alter to manipulation is to respect others. Respect is a widely talked about topic, and very intricate in all the ways it can be utilized. Here, we are talking about it as respecting others and their right to choices. Allowing others to know the truth about the ex-manipulator and respecting them enough to be able to make their own choices in life. If they choose to be a friend, or have a relationship (no matter the need and degree of relationship) then that is their choice. It can be quite freeing for an ex-manipulator to be able to trust that someone is interested and invested in a relationship with them because that is their choice – not because they were manipulated into such. As well, in whatever degree the manipulator is utilizing manipulation (despite relationship) – to let go of it and respect others to make their own choice is freeing.

….. conclusion coming.

The 6th habit of highly miserable people is DISHONESTY. This can be a hard one for others to swallow. It’s been my experience that others report that they tell little white lies now and then, and this is deemed as normal/satisfactory. Though, the “now and then” is not what we’re talking about here – it is still dishonest. (Just to clarify, a little white lie is deemed as a half-truth that is told so they don’t hurt someone’s feelings.)

Dishonesty becomes a habit when someone continually tells lies and little white lies that suite them, their agenda. They’ll say whatever they feel is necessary to control those around them. They feed off of others compassion, sensitivity, and trust. They have received positive reinforcement with the dishonesty. This becomes something that they utilize to the point that, not only do they start to believe their “little white lies” they don’t necessarily know what is true. They will continually invent stories just so they look better in others eyes, feel better about themselves, or avoid getting in trouble. Thus, they feel that they are completely justified in their actions. However, the depth of a relationship they can have with someone is quite limited, they have to keep others at a distance so that their lies are not recognized. If their lies become recognized, their relationships are hurt even further.

The alter for this can be quite difficult for a dishonest person to adapt to. It deals with giving up the lies and “little white lies”, living in the truth, and dealing with the consequences. As difficult as this may be, they won’t be so miserable, a weight will be lifted off of them, and they can know that they are living in the NOW. Instead of making up a seemingly logical, yet false, reason for not completing a report for work, they can say the true reason, deal with the consequences – yet, have a clear conscience.

….last habit coming next.

The 4th habit of highly miserable people is NAGGING. How many of us strive to be a “nag”. You might think that some have this goal, by their interactions with others. What is a “nag”?  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary on-line defines a “nag” as follows : 1 : to find fault incessantly  2 : to be a persistent source of annoyance or distraction  3: to irritate by constant scolding or urging. I know you are strive to be as such, eh? Of course not, so then why do so many fall into such a habit? 

Most likely because it has benefited them; they reached their desired goal by doing so (without even knowing what they are doing). They want something to be completed, they keep asking (nagging) and it gets done. They think : “There. That’s accomplished, now moving on to the next thing that needs completed.” They nag some more. The more positive reinforcement they receive from nagging the more apt they are to continue nagging. Pair a nagger and procrastinator together (whether on a work force team or in marriage) and you are bound for a rough road.

The alternative to nagging is asking and letting go. A nagger has no trust in others. They hold on to something and can’t let it go, as if they are always responsible for the outcome but not the task at hand. I think how anxious it would be for a positively reinforced lifelong nagger to ask something of someone, walk away, never to ask about it again – trusting that what was asked will be completed. For most of us that is “freeing”, but for a nagger it is gut-wrenching.

It’s almost like working with someone with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), you have to work through systematic desensitization for them to release their anxieties over their compulsions. It can be done though; only with someone who is choosing to become a recovering nagger. It takes conscious effort and practice.

I almost feel sorry for naggers. Almost, because being around a nagger, is so hard to do. The nagger keeps a relationship at a distance due to lack of trust and incessantly finding fault. I decided long ago never to be a nagger, I ask something once; if it does not get completed I complete it (if it is in my power to do so), ask someone else to complete it, or resign myself to the fact that it is satisfactory if the task goes uncompleted. Of course there can be consequences for not following through with a task – but is that my problem? Freedom.

… more habits to come.

The second habit of highly miserable people is BLAMING. Merriam-Webster’s On-line dictionary defines blaming (or blame) as: 1: to find fault with 2 a: to hold responsible  b: to place responsibility for.  

Have you ever been around someone who takes no responsibility for their own actions. They blame everyone and everything around them for incidental actions that go wrong. Someone was late to work because of construction and the drivers around them; not that they did not get up on time and were running out the door hoping to make it through traffic to arrive at work within the 15 minute grace period of being late. This example is probably what most can relate to, boy I can (as I also practice this at times). Then there is “it is him, who is the cause of my misery, it is all his fault. It he wasn’t my boss, I’d love this place.”

The “blaming as a habit” is an intense and harmful action. This person will blame others for things that go wrong for them that others have no responsibility for. The usual target for blaming is a specific person (spouse, boss, children). The harming of the relationship comes from being on pins and needles when this type of person is having a rough day, knowing you’re (if you’re the target) going to feel the brunt of something/ being blamed for something. Or, if you have messed up in some way (as we all do) you’re REALLY going to get it from this blamer.

The alter to blaming is taking ownership. When someone takes ownership of their behaviors and control of their own feelings, the outside world has less effect on them. Thus resulting in a happier person… as well, people around this person are happier, less on edge, and more open to a relationship (whatever it needs to be: working, marital, parental, etc.)

 …more habits coming.

The first, and most harming, habit of highly miserable people is CRITICISM. I truly believe that some people are born with a critical heart, or raised in such a critical atmosphere that it becomes who they are. You probably know these people (or are this type of person); they have something to say about everything, even insignificant anythings, in a negative light. It seems as if there is nothing that is “right” or even “satisfactory” in their eyes.

It is very difficult to work around this type of person (let alone live with this type of person – even yourself if this is you).  A person of this stature can appear to be (as well may be) very driven; thus they are often looking to improve on issues/situations/self and thus will project that on his/her environment. A person of this stature however, can also be very lazy and want to be catered to. They hold themselves in high regard and feel that they deserve the best.

Then there are the others of us, who occasionally criticize those around us. Usually because we truly feel that we know what is best, or feel very convicted about certain things. We usually use criticism with those that are close to us; those close to us are are privy to our thoughts of others, of themselves, and ourselves. Regardless of the reasons behind the criticism, people do not like to be criticized! It harms, not helps a relationship. We do (others do) better to keep our mouths shut.

The alter to this habit is to listen to those around us before speaking. To try to see their point of view before giving our 2 cents, if we should even give it at all. Another is to accept the accomplishments (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) of those around us.

It is amazing what a few critical words can do to someone who just worked hard on some task. Think of a child who just painted a picture that he/she felt was great and the response when showing a parents is “Why didn’t you paint the grass green, it is not suppose to be orange”….does it really matter the color of the grass? Take this into the business world… how can negative/unwarranted criticism harm a team/ organization/ company.