03.11.08
Coping Strategies: at work or at home – conclusion.
Sometimes emotions become too much to handle, I am sure we’ve all felt this way a one time or another. Often people use coping strategies as we’ve discussed: denial, identification, compensation, rationalization, projection, daydreaming, displacement, reaction formation, regression, and sublimation. These are also known as defense mechanisms. We utilize these either consciously or unconsciously. Sometimes these coping strategies can protect you from painful events, or from dealing with overwhelming feelings. If overused these strategies can stunt emotional growth.
If you depend on these strategies too much, you may not learn to express your true feelings. Make time to take regular stock in yourself. If you’re going through a difficult/emotional time, ask yourself how you’re handling the situation. Be true to yourself, make goals, set a plan to accomplish those goals for yourself in dealing with your emotions or a situation. In a workplace setting it may be necessary to call in a third party to assist in an emotional situation; do what you need to in order to allow for your work place to be conflict free.
- Dionne Eddy
03.10.08
Coping Strategies: at work or at home IX
Another coping strategy is REGRESSION. Regression is reverting to immature behavior to express emotions. You often hear about regression when talking about a toddler going back to more infantile behaviors when a new baby enters his/her environment. However, regression can be seen in other environments and with older participants.
For example, a colleague is upset about their low sales and more upset about the success of their counterparts sales. Instead of being encouraged by their colleague to obtain more sales, they pout, throw things in the office, or even start rumors about their counterpart. This behavior is deemed rather juvenile, but I’m sure that you’ve seen such behaviors or heard of such actions by adults.
This strategy holds very very temporary relief of negative feelings. Soon after the realization of their actions, their negative feelings are followed by even more negative feelings. Thus one begins a downward spiral of negative feelings.
To counter this strategy it’s like with most strategies: accept reality. Take reality by the horns and challenge yourself to overcome whatever negative feelings you’re experiencing. If that means to step things up in the workplace – do so. If it means accepting that you cannot purchase a car that you want at this time – make a plan to save and set a date for when you can purchase that car. Reality is truly in your hands, you can regress or you can accept.
… last coping skill coming – it’s the best one.
Coping Strategies: at work or at home VIII
Another coping strategy that is a little difficult to see or understand in others is REACTION FORMATION. Reaction formation is behaving in a manner opposite to the way you are feeling. For example someone feels guilty about drinking. To hide their feelings they brag to their friends about how much they drank. Endearingly, we also see this in little kids where the boys are rough with and verbalize that they think little girls are “yuk”… when in fact there is an attraction.
Reaction Formation is when someone acts strongly in one direction to distract from and cover up something unwanted in the other direction. So in the work force someone despises their boss, acts really nice to him/ her to cover it up. It’s not only acting extremely nice, but going overboard and can even get distracted by the actions. It becomes obsessive to the point that their work is neglected. They have a temporary relief from the anger he/she has towards his/her boss, but the suppressed feelings build up and conflicts start to brew.
One is better to acknowledge their true feelings and work out the conflict they have with their boss, or any other relationship. Often this is helpful with the assistance of a mediator or therapist (depending on the extent of the situation).
… more coping strategies to come.
03.08.08
Coping Strategies: at work or at home VII
A child is arguing with their parents and slams their bedroom door. The child is DISPLACING their anger from their parents onto their door. This is the next coping strategy that people utilize. It gives an immediate, yet temporary, relief of undesirable emotions. In the example given, the relief is really temporary when the parents and child learn that in slamming the door, he/she broke it.
Displacing can also go from one environment to another. It is often unrealized by the displacer when this is occurring. For example, let’s say that a spouse is having a strained relationship with their partner. The spouse goes to work and displaces anger or passive-aggressiveness onto their boss. The spouse feels some relief and even feels better about going home at the end of the day. However, the anger that was displayed in the office can lead to many other problems down the road…. the spouse may then displace their anger towards their partner due to strained work environment… thus creating a never ending circle.
Displacement is an interesting coping strategy, in that it is often not realized that this is what is being utilized. It usually comes out through therapy or a third party that is privy to information in all environments. It can be quite harmful if someone displaces often. It harms current relationships and keeps potential relationships at a distance. We can only imagine what could happen to the spouse in the example above.
If you find that you release your emotions onto another after having a rough day, argument, or experiencing a stressful event take stock of your emotions and make things right. Acknowledge to yourself and other parties involved that your interactions were due to outside situations; an apology also helps.
Displacement can also be a positive, in that you have a great day, a wonderful experience and you displace your love, your happiness, and good fortune onto others (wisely); this is a rewarding experience that will improve relationships and bring other relationships closer. That is, if you practice positive displacement without negative displacement.
…more coping strategies to come.
Coping Strategies: at work or at home V
PROJECTION is the next coping strategy(just realizing that I entered VI before V – sorry about that). Projection is when you put your own faults on another person. A simple way to look at this is when a child gets benched during a hockey game because he/she wasn’t playing well. They blame the coach saying that the coach did not teach them the right things.
In this coping skill, one is not taking ownership of their actions. They have a temporary relief of not being at fault; however deep inside they know that they are to blame/ or to take credit for their actions. Another example, in the work place (let’s say a sales position) can be when a person’s sales are down. They start to point fingers at the customers or at the manufacturer, or their boss; one who projects rarely looks inward to see that maybe there is something they are doing or not doing that is holding their sales down and holding them back from climbing the success ladder.
An interesting test you can do with yourself is to stop and think about the areas in your life that you either complain about or are not happy with the status of. Examples could be a relationship, a business, a status, or even a level of productivity. Start to ask yourself what role you hold in this complaint or unhappiness. Look inward, instead of outward (projecting)… make a decision to be proactive and make changes with your new insight.
Projection can work well…. again like with most strategies – it is a temporary fix to a long term situation.
….. more coping strategies to come.
Coping Strategies: at work or at home IV
The next coping skills is one that distorts ones own thinking. This one is RATIONALIZATION. This is where one makes excuses for their actions or feelings. If you do this often enough you soon don’t know what is really true, you make yourself believe that your actions are always RIGHT in that you will fix your thought process to make sure that this is the case. There is no owning up to faults, accidents, or even misunderstandings through this type of utilization. Or rather I should say when it is used too much.
For example, someone calls in sick to work as they are teeing it up on the golf course and thinks “that is ok that I called in sick, their are plenty of other salesmen in the office”. The action is dishonest, plain and simple; doesn’t really matter if others are there to cover the office or not. A student copies the answers to a test from a classmate, he/she figures it’s no big deal because it wasn’t a major test. In the office there are some rules deemed insignificant by yourself, you break them and think nothing of it, because they are petty – rules were still broken. Over time this can make for a conflictual relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a positive side to rationalization. Rationalization can be helpful if you’re trying to not feel bad about someone’s actions before you know if there is anything to feel bad about. (See posting “Filling in the BLANKS“). Even something as simple as getting cut off in traffic….you could rationalize that the person could be having a really bad day, late for work, has to get to the hospital…. Something more personal, could be that your best friend said that she would call you tonight and 2 nights later there is not call. You could get mad or rationalize that she has a lot going on right now and her not calling has no reflection on the relationship. Also in the workplace, your boss may have said nothing to you upon your “good morning”; you could rationalize that he/she has a lot on his mind and you’ll catch up later in the day.
Whatever way you rationalize situations, they may make you feel temporarily better. They are still situations that you’ll feel best about when the truth is out or at least your theory is verified. Rationalization is a temporary fix to a feeling. If you utilize rationalization too often, you start to loose the truth behind who you are and how you feel.
…..more coping skills to come.
Coping Strategies: at work or at home III.
To be compensated for a job well done is the expectation and feels wonderful if the compensation is equal to or above the deemed rate for the job. Compensation can mean different things. Here we are talking about using COMPENSATION as a coping skill. Utilizing compensation skills can be a positive skill, in that one is making up for a weakness in one area by excelling in another area. This works well, especially if the excelling area is one with high reward and diminishes the feelings connected to a failure. It doesn’t work very well if the excelling area is one with little to no reward, and the feelings of failure linger.
Let’s say your teenager wasn’t captain for his/her soccer team…. and though that really bothered him/her, they compensated for those feelings by being class president. At home one might not be very good at cooking but the house is immaculately organized and clean. In the work environment, a salesman might not be very good at talking to people in person, but will have the highest phone/Internet sales then anyone else on the team.
Where compensation can be harmful is where there is little to no reward for the compensation and feelings of failure linger. As well, it can be harmful when one needs to excel, do well, or hold attention to an action/ task that they aren’t successful in. For example, when a partner in a marriage can’t relate or interact well with the other partner…. they go to someone else they feel they can relate to, or interact with. This sets up for a rocky marriage. In a job setting a person doesn’t do well in interacting with their boss, but does do well in computer work and Internet interaction. The work doesn’t get completed and interactions are strained.
How do you utilize compensation in your life? We all do to a certain extent. This is shown by the choices in life that we have; whether it is through career choice, hobby choice, relationships choices, and other choices. Are there areas in which your compensation is hurting those around you or harming your career? Utilize compensation to your benefit, own up to those areas that are a weakness, and make choices to improve on those as best as you can.
…..more coping skills to come.
Coping Strategies: at work or at home II
The phrase – “the grass is always greener on the other side” is applicable when someone is so displeased with their life and with themselves. Often when someone is in that situation they will look to another person they think has it all, or at least appears to live life better then themselves.
Which leads into another method of a coping strategy called IDENTIFICATION. Identification is assuming the qualities of someone that you admire. Let’s say you admire your colleague at work. You may start to dress as they do, talk (using their phrases) as they do, and act like they do. If the person you are identifying with is a positive role model in your life then this is great and continue utilizing identification – it can take you far up the ladder, give you answers to how to deal with difficult situations, and make work life easier. Just make certain not to loose yourself, take on the part of their identity that works for you, turn them into who YOU are.
However, sometimes the identified one is not such a positive role model. Your colleague could be doing well and very successful for conducting business in “not so business” like manners. Should you conduct business as such, you might have temporary gains – but long term harsh consequences, and a very unhappy working environment. The same can be applicable in a family situation. Another family seems so happy, and loving. You start to take on some of their characteristics: belong to the groups they do, involved in the activities they are, act as they do… only to find out in the end that behind closed doors it is just an “act” and they are struggling to keep the family together.
The best thing for anyone to do is to decide how you want to be IDENTIFIED as. What qualities do you want to aspire to in the work place or in your home environment. Write out a plan that you feel will lead you to such an accomplished goal. Continually ask yourself how your actions, words, and thoughts are helping you to accomplish this goal. Be that person that others want to be identified with. Once you ascertain that others may be identifying with you, tell them how to build up their own identity.
……more coping skills to come.
02.26.08
Coping Strategies: at work or at home I
Emotions can be hard to handle directly at times. Most of us have utilized defense mechanisms; whether it is consciously or unconsciously. Another phrase for defense mechanisms is coping strategies. If you depend on these strategies often, you may not learn to express your true feelings. What are these strategies that we utilize? I’ll discuss these over the next few blogs.
The first coping mechanism is DENIAL . Denial is a refusing of an emotion or problem. Denial is often associated with the first stage in coping with someones death or when being accused of having an addiction. However, it can also be a coping mechanism for dealing with highly stressful situations in life. We sometimes think: “if I ignore *?!^# then it will go away, I won’t have to deal with it”. However, whether we like it or not- we deal with it.
Denial will start to show sooner or later: usually physically. You start to have difficulty sleeping, a change in eating habits, developing ulcers, find yourself participating in more negative activities, or lead to other coping mechanisms. Though your appearance on the outside comes across as happy, calm, or at ease; on the inside you’re in knots.
We often hear in the work force that stress comes with the job, so we suck it up and deal with it as if it is a norm. Sometimes it is a norm and sometimes it is not. If you question whether your stress is a norm it can be helpful to talk to a 3rd party that is not connected to your company, but keeps all discussions confidential. Regardless, if you feel you’re utilizing the coping strategy of denial in any stage of your life, it is best to talk to someone; or take a hard look at what is happening, stare at it head on and decide how to change the situation.
more coping strategies to come……
02.22.08
The Seven Habits of Highly Miserable People, Conclusion
In conclusion, the seven habits of highly miserable people are: Criticism, Blaming, Complaining, Nagging, Threatening, Dishonesty, and Manipulation. In the introduction I explained that I had attended a workshop of William Glasser, MD, thus where the habits were gleamed from. I have adapted them and explained them as I have seen working as a Licensed Professional Counselor in the helping profession and in life. So if you read his book (which I encourage you to do so), you will find that there are differences in how he sees the habits (he calls them deadly habits of external control psychology), and the names of the habits.
The most harmful is the 1st: negative criticism. Mostly because no matter the degree of its utilization it causes harm. It works against relationships and cooperation with external people. The degree of harm continuum goes on from blaming to manipulation. All of which people are harming the relationships of those around them.
So, now that you know about them, what do you do? That of course is up to you. You are empowered to live as you wish, to utilize these habits or to free yourself from doing so. You can also decide to utilize (if not already) the seven caring habits of choice theory 1) listening, 2) supporting, 3) encouraging, 4) respecting, 5) trusting, 6) accepting, and 7) always negotiating agreements. The choice is yours, the consequences are yours as well.
Live well – Dionne Eddy M.S., NCC, LPC
Insights gleamed from:
Getting Together and Staying Together.Glasser, William M.D., Glasser, Carleen. 2000
Merriam-Webster’s on-line dictionary.
