The last coping strategy of this series is SUBLIMATION. Sublimation is directing your energy into a useful goal, rather than an unacceptable goal. For example a teen who is naturally aggressive joins the wrestling team. Being aggressive in wrestling is socially acceptable and the teen feels better about directing his/her personality in a more acceptable light.

You see this often at work as well. When someone finds their true job that fits with their personality. For someone who has a social phobia, a job that requires very little conversation is ideal. For someone who has negative feelings when they’re not the center of attention, can find a career path for this as well.

Sublimation has the most long lasting coping strategy of negative feelings. The underlying feelings are still there, but when channelled in the right direction they can build a whole new person. If you have some underlying negative feelings, get creative in how you can use them to your advantage: write, serve others, make a plan, try things out, use those feelings for your better.

… conclusion to come and end the series. 

Another coping skill is DAYDREAMING. This is what someone does to escape unpleasant reality. It’s what we often do to escape reality in general… we dream of how a situation could be different and how our lives would be different if we were to make certain changes. It’s a coping skill this is often used in combination with relaxation techniques in working with anxiety.

When it is used as a COPING SKILL, you let go of reality. You see things in a different light/manner. This can be good if the situation is one to where you see no light at the end of the tunnel, and in goal setting. Daydream about your goals, make them big… then head on back to reality to see if it is possible to make a plan to make the daydream happen. It can be harmful if you need to stay in reality in order to manage a situation or life choice. As with other coping strategies it provides temporary relief to a real and current situation.

When this strategy becomes detrimental is when one escapes reality all together and lives in their daydreaming place. For example, someone has become in debt and instead of being proactive in working their way out of debt, they keep on purchasing big items, accumulate more credit cards, go on trips… as if there is nothing wrong with their spending. We can daydream how this turns out – talk about anxiety.

If you utilize daydreaming as a way to cope with the stresses of everyday life as well as with conflict in the workplace; do so sparingly. Use it for little escapes that allow you to re-fuel yourself or devise a plan, then tackle the stressful task at hand.

…more coping strategies to come.

The first reducible cost is “Wasted Time”. To really see a good scenario of this let’s devise a fictitious scenario. Let’s say that Wanda (Supervisor) and Fred (Employee) are in conflict, and that there is 1 other office mate that is also effected by the conflict, Charlie (Employee). Let’s also say that the conflict has been going on for 6 months. Wanda spends about 3 hours a week dealing with the conflict and has a salary of $90,000; Fred spends about 5 hours a week and has a salary of $60,000; and Charlie spends 2 hours a week and has a salary of $60,000. (salary includes benefits).

Wanda

 90,000/ 52 wks/ 40 hrs per wk X 3 wasted hrs per wk X 26 wks = $3375

Fred

60,000/ 52 wks/ 40 hrs per wk X 5 wasted hrs per wk X 26 wks = $3750

Charlie

60,000/ 52 wks / 40 hrs per wk X 2 wasted hrs per wk X 26 wks = $1500

So a total of $ 8625 spent on wasted time. This total is for one factor of one conflict.

….more factors to be continued in Part III

How much better is it to bring an employee back on board. It not only helps the team get back to the status of “good” but helps to propel them towards “greatness”. The feeling that is developed within a company is unmeasurable. Companies that go to such lengths develop positive reputations beyond current status are find themselves as a sought after employer.

There are so many costs of the old standard: “just fire them”. But with minimal investment there are great outcomes in profits, productivity, low employee turnover, and decreased unplanned absences.

The cost is great. There is the cost of health care benefits/pkg., there is the cost in low productivity due to needing to train someone to be up to par with the job and companies specific requirement for the position. It has been stated by renowned mediator Dr. Daniel Dana that if an employee leaves position due to conflict the cost to a company is 150% of their annual salary. 

How better it is then to try to keep an employee with all of the invested time and knowledge that has been placed upon the employee vs. “just firing” them. Mediation or facilitated conversation and training on such is a great means of finding the root of one’s inept. Mediation/ facilitated conversations provide a forum of open communication and listening, it focuses on plans for the future and finishes with all parties involved in  developing and signing an agreement as to how an employee/team will conduct themselves through out, as well as responsibilities held by others involved. Training provides an organization the tools to utilize when conflicts arise, an avenue to take a person or team that is struggling, and some means of resolution to such a struggle.

…finished in next installment.

We are our own worst enemy all too often. We’re harder on ourselves then others are, well most of the time. We say things to ourselves, that if our best friend said those things, we’d get another best friend; we’re our own worst critic. When things happen around us that we don’t understand or we don’t have all the information about the situation, we call that a “blank”. We usually fill in that blank with the worst case scenario, then we act upon that blank.

For example, we see it all the time… Mary and Jim work together on a team, Jim comes in one day rather quite, not talking, and ignores a comment Mary has said about the project they are working on and walks out the door. Mary, not knowing what is going on with Jim starts to “fill in the blank”… she think that he disagrees with the work she has completed on the project. Mary feels that this is unjustified and if Jim is going to act this way then she will do the project completely on her own and submit it for approval without Jim. Later Jim sees Mary working on the project and comments about a phrase on the project and Mary uses sharp language with him and won’t look at him. Jim then reacts to Mary’s behavior…etc.  It goes on and on, all because blanks were filled in and conversations were not completed.

We act on blanks all of the time. We assume to know the motivation/reasons/thoughts behind why someone cut us off in traffic, or bumped into our shopping cart, or drives in the passing lane (not passing). Or even when reading an e-mail someone will state: “I could feel the emotion behind that comment and I’m not at all pleased”… the e-mail stated “meeting, 2:00pm, be there on time”… everyone got that same message, only one or two people were offended. They did not know that the blank was: the boss needed to start right on time today because he had another meeting that was to start at 3:30 with the president of the company. Another example is a television commercial that is out (I apologize that I don’t know what the commercial is promoting-something with computers). A woman starts very nicely by saying “good morning Frank” and he replies annoyed with “good morning Frank”, someone nicely says something to the woman and she flips his coffee out of his hands and all over him, and before you know it the whole office is fighting with one another. It had snowballed out of control, an extreme example you see externally, but is very realistic internally.

All you need is one blank in the work place that gets filled in negatively, the workplace can get to the point of disarray. No one really knows its beginnings, but it becomes a difficult place to come to every day, as eventually everyone is effected as well. There are various ways to handle such a setting, especially when it can come to the point of potential firing, discrimination allegations, anger, and anything that is deemed hostile.  You have different ranges from talking to someone else, trainings, team building, facilitated conversations, mediation, arbitration, litigation….(we won’t go beyond that for now).

How does your office handle such situations? Do they just let it go and allow the environment to remain as such? Do they have conversations and attempt to work things out? Are grievances filled out often, unions involved in every little conversation? Does your company reorganize to avoid conflict, whether it is even to work around others known to be in conflict? How do you think productivity is during this time? Do people take sick leave or unplanned absences? Is there high employee turn over?

Being a mediator, I get to see my altruistic reasons behind being as such played out. To come into a conflict, sit down with all parties or teams involved and find out what is going on. I get to see people work together to agree in how they are going to work together, giving each other permission to check out “blanks” and becoming a team or company that is now on track to get back to “good” and set a plan to go from ”good” to “great”. In a structured conversation people get to hear things they never heard before and are also heard in ways they’ve never been heard before. It is quite empowering to someone. Sometimes situation are figured out in the first 20 minutes… other times it might take two days. It really depends on the situation, how long it has occurred and if all parties are willing to put an end to what has lead them to this point; but always worth it in the end.

Blanks can be a difficult thing to realize. But once you do, you can fill them in with the BEST case scenario, or you can decide that you just don’t know what was behind the situation and to leave it at that; don’t take it personally and decide not to be offended. When you become aware of the concept of BLANKS, you will see them everywhere. What you decide to do with them is in your control, and what you decide to do with them leads to either a happy outcome, neutral outcome, or a not-so-happy outcome.